How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
