Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
