I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just pee around me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
