Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I will pee on everything he values.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
