this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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