8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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