What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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