And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
