Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
