Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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