I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
