you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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