I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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