fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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