Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
