you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
