saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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