I saw his package. It spoke to me.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
