dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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