Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
