Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
