i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
