Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
