She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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