rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
