i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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