could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize