He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
