i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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