Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
