I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize