there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
