connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
