when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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