and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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