So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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