she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize