sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
