I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
