So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
