Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
