I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
