I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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