I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
