god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i think i just lost a toe
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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