We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
