i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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