Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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