Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
