Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
YAS. BRING CRAB.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
