I will die if light touches me.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize