I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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