Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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