What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
