sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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