wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
