I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
