Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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