did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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