I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
