he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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