a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
