apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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