just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
