totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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