why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
